I Remember.......

 

“I Can tell you where I was when they happened…. where I was when I got the phone call…where we were driving…I can remember where we were or how we felt . On purpose I have kind of forgotten intentionally a little bit of our timeline because I don’t want to remember it…. To me it wasn’t productive to remember it” – Dr. Abhay Singh

 

It's almost 9 years since she left us ... and every now and then it hits me like a lightning bolt . 

For those who have been in my life since I waddled around as a toddler I have heard all sorts of unkind things where my relationship with my mother is concerned . I was sulky , angry,grumpy. I didn't chew and threw up my food . I threatened her as per her own words "ke papa ko bataaungi".... I was Pakistan and she was India by a kind hearted amazing surgeon coz he would walk in daily and see me admonishing and fighting with her . 

But here is what I remember ... I remember the bad times and the good. I remember as a pre-teen her picking up torn notes and piecing it together to protect her child from abuse from a neighbours staff. 

I remember her standing by me and telling me I deserved better. I remember her wanting to pop champagne when I said "mumma I want to come home". 

I remember her needing a oxygen tube to breathe at home and yet resting her hand and recoiling when she dressed my wounds.. I don't remember much but I remember how she taught me always to hold my head up high despite the adversities and to always do the right thing to the best of my ability. 

I am weaker without her and I am stronger because of her. The sulky grumpy child has made it a mantra always to speak them golden words ... this too shall pass.. the glass is always half full not half empty were the words that my father would say .. and so I strive to be their daughter.. to superglue the cracks in my armour and to try.. just try to be all that they and I always dreamed of.  

Perspective

No one has the same experiences

Despite similar environs

Love is subjective 

The meeting of hearts too ..

Freedom for one 

Is torture for another

Love may be hate 

Hate may love

In the end

Memories

Experiences

Dreams

Desires

And finally

Death .

Curt Cobain

Jim Morrison

Amy Winehouse

Sridevi

Sushant Singh Rajput 

What's true ?

What's not ?

Does it matter ?  

Love . Life. Live.

Love in life living is what makes us whole .

Full stop .

Love thy self ....

I am beautiful as me .

Not for my colleagues

Or my long lost lovers

For my friends mostly

For my family muchly

And surely in my fantasies ! 

I am beautiful as me.

Else why do they keep telling me?

In laughs and chit chats

In long winded yarns 

Tales today 

Recaps tomorrow 

I am beautiful as me .

For the strangers I've passed 

And those I will meet.

In my forgotten dreams of yesterday

And my exhausted today 

Maybe in the to be tomorrow ...

I am beautiful as me.

For the scars I carry.

I'm too much ..said he,

I laughed later.... Really ? 

I live , laugh , love. 

I cry , scowl , growl. 

I am beautiful as me.

Some hurts don’t heal.

Some tears don’t dry.

Some memories don’t fade.

Smiling forgotten.

Laughter squashed.

Lost in translation.......

The passage of Time.

Teardrop

I didn’t say a word.

The heart clenched

The breath stopped.

The tear refused to fall.

Stumped.

Stunned.

Broken.

The tear refused to fall.

I nodded in silence.

The “may I speak” frozen on my lips.

I heard it all.

The tear refused to fall.

Flashes of a lifetime gone.

Fears of not again.

Swaying unconsciously.

Staring into oblivion.

The tear refused to fall.

“Take a deep breath” said the good angel sitting on my shoulder.

“You’re a failure” said the bad angel on the other one.

A fairy fluttered around out of her depth.

Real life hit.  

The tear finally dropped.

Human Nature: Delusions of Grandeur

Once upon a time in a wet land a Shepherd would toll away day on day .. with whatever he earned selling the hide of his fattened up sheep to the shoemaker , he would spend in the village tavern. He moved from town to town ,  worked hard and frolicked with all the town folk and women he crossed…he had a wife who beat out the heart he may have once had, for she did not like his work and ways… from a happy carefree hardworking young lad , he became slower and less active and with the years passing , as he changed and became more and more bitter,  his sheep stopped thriving and dwindled too .. in time the shepherd’s flock shrunk.

Wanting to find a way out he left for a greener pasture, he wandered aimlessly through the day getting sadder and sadder…till he sold his last sheep and drowned his sorrows in a pint of ale. A few hours later he tottered out drunk, and wandered out randomly up the street … and finally exhausted sat down near a tree trunk resting his weary head.. but even in the state he was in , he felt the tree move.. and looked up to look into the most beautiful eyes of an elephant and the man wept and told her all the years of misery he faced- how no one valued him , how his family didn’t understand him… how he had close to nothing to look forward to in life again…Matka comforted him… and held him with her trunk tightly around him.. And they were inseparable after that. She shaded him from the sun and protected him from the rain. She would stand steady and let him crawl under her..she brought him food to cook with so he was never hungry… she made him laugh till he had tears rolling down his cheeks.. She made him alive again. He did things he hadn’t done before. The sky was blue again not grey and gloomy…and he grew stronger. He felt a new sense of purpose and confidence again… his heart started beating with a happy rhythm again.

In time he found a new patch of grass and she stayed close by always ready to help… Matka was a friendly soul … and soon others came visiting…. while fearful of the shepherd at first , Matka said he could be trusted… Chaloo the Rottweiler was not convinced… and he would bark and bark whenever the shepherd came near in a foul mood… but the shepherd was patient and in time Chaloo would curl up beside him and keep the shepherd warm at night. Once the shepherd earned Chaloo’s trust nothing kept chaloo away.. he guarded and protected the shepherd with all his might.  Which was baffling for the shepherd as he had never had someone stand by him so unshakably..

The shepherd loved nuts and soon enough Pyper the squirrel drew closer .. Matka and Pyper were great friends.. Matka was calm and solid while Pyper would constantly be running in circles chasing her tail.. she jumped all over the shepherd and he would laugh happily and play. But sometimes she would land on her head and that would annoy him for the games would end and he would need to take care of her then. He only wanted himself to be happy and would get upset if anything came in the way to stop it. The animals didn’t register this side of him often enough as they were happy.

The shepherd’s confidence grew each day, he was happy with this new family. They took care of them. They kept him warm. They were loyal. They loved him and followed him no matter what cloud was hanging over, they didn’t know how dark it was in his heart and head and so they believed in all he said.  

 As the years passed the shepherd got restless. He wanted to travel again .. and so he did .. always with the promise he would be back and he loved them… many moons passed .. Matka had a baby and named her Mione … Pyper and Mione got on very well and Pyper calmed down.. Chaloo looked out for the flock … waiting for the shepherd’s to return.. when the shepherd returned it had been years.. they wrote to him and never heard back. They had been sick. They had been chased by the forest wardens , and he had ignored them , wrapped up only in his own fun and frolic and thinking nothing of his past present or future.  He walked into the angry brood without an apology on his lips.. more bitter and sullen than ever before… the shepherd’s knew how to play his cards … and at the end of the day they were only animals… they trusted him blindly … he said he was back and wouldn’t leave them again… he said he loved them and realised he valued them very very much and so they forgot his grumpiness, they helped cheer him up as much as possible and they all were happy for a while.

But the shepherd was secretive and a very self-centered man. In anger he would kick Chaloo and then say it was in his sleep… in desperation for women of his own species he would run and climb the tallest tree and go deaf when Mione called out to him to play … insecure despite his outward arrogance he would run fast when Matka asked him to pull his weight coz he knew she wouldn’t catch him. She would let him come back in due time.. for he always did.. Pyper would watch all this and realise they had all grown older and wiser.. while he was desperately trying to find his youth again. In the process only getting more and more resentful, lazy and a recluse…

But he had convinced himself being a shepherd was in his veins .. he did not know how to get beyond his belief of there was something better out there .. he did not know how to make the most out of the wonderful world he had .... he craved wandering like a vampire craves blood and being human , he knew no matter what , these were just animals , they would always be there for him like they always have for they were far better at love and loyalty and caring and friendship than any human he had ever met before.

The more restless he got, the wider birth the animals gave him.. but it wasn’t enough..his fear and frustration had frozen his heart again.. and he finally told them he was leaving… Matka stood stoic , Chaloo barked and barked in anger .pyper ran circles around him telling him this was not right for him.. she had been watching him for years.. he was only going to get hurt by his own bad decisions. And Mione ,cried.. she cried and cried as he walked away ..

“ you promised you wouldn’t leave us again.. you promised…” she wailed…

 But the stupid heartless self centred shepherd looked over his shoulder and simply said “ Mione promise breaker shoemaker …and that is who I am off to see…for maybe that’s all I will ever be…  c’est la vie”   

And the night got quiet as he could be seen no more.. but his mismatched flock had more faith in him than he had in himself.. and they looked towards the horizon everyday , praying he was well and hoping to see him walk over the hill again...

It had more than potential for a Magical Night….Alas!!

It was an unforgettable trip nonetheless!

But wait, I guess I need to start at the start! Back up the truck (trust me this too will happen literally!)

So me and my friends are hanging out , 2016 will soon come to a close, as always happens at that time of year , the topic of New Year’s Eve crops up..... What am I going to do? I’m not a wild party junkie, I’m out of work so funds are tight and frankly I’m too old or too jaded to enjoy the crowds and madness on New Year’s Eve in New Delhi, so I had a simple safe comfortable idea in mind… curl up in bed with a drink and watch some Telly! A nice quiet and forgettable start to 2017!

Divya wasn’t impressed at all and pipes up about a trip she is planning to do with a group to Jaisalmer to bring in the New Year (I have never done a group tour in India and I wasn’t feeling It at all). But since it was a conversation obviously I asked, What’s the plan? “Backpacking (Ugh!)…train…(hmmm? )Jaisalmer (now we’re talking!)…Bunkbeds (I want the lower bunk!) ….New Year’s Eve – Under the Stars!

YES! YES! YES! Jaisalmer has always been on my bucket list & a few nights out of Delhi, with one night around a bonfire, under a blanket of stars in the desert sky! Nothing can go wrong right? It’s an amazing trip in store!

A few weeks later , the plan is shared – it’s pretty straightforward- Board a train from old Delhi railway station , reach Jaisalmer, check into Bunkyard Hostel (pics looked amazing online) see the Jaisalmer fort or Sonar Quila, boating at sunset on the Gadisar Lake. Chill and the next day head out to #Sam Sand dunes to bring in the New year. 1^st morning after an amazing night, head back to Bunkyard, pick up your luggage, get into a tempo traveler (a mini bus) and drive to Jodhpur to catch the train back to Delhi.

I saw all of 2 possible problems -   really dirty loos on the sleeper class we were booked on – but hey, I’ve travelled in the country – no problem – hand sanitizer and toilet paper! And it’s gonna be a looong day on the 1^st with travelling by road to Jodhpur and then the long train journey back!

Anyhow, in for a penny, in for a pound, let’s get this party started – woolies, alcohol, a blanket, snacks and my camera, not to forget a plastic glass just in case! So my best friend is also travelling on this “trip” and if someone can keep me laughing through anything it’s him. Big Burly guy Chanda, tattooed,  an avid hard core backpacker in some ways unlike me, who doesn’t own a backpack anymore.

DAY 1- 29^TH DECEMBER 2016

Chanda picks me up and we cab it to old delhi station, congregate outside the station, hello’s to strangers also on the trip (soon to become the core group I hang out with) and we set off to find this train. Train no. – check. Platform no. – check. Coach no. – check! Seat numbers…. Uhhhhh…oh oh! Ok… it will be figured out. Let’s get to the train first.

LESSON 1 – OLD DELHI RAILWAY STATION NEEDS A LOT OF HELP !!! It’s still as dirty , unorganized, throngs of crowds pushing and shoving as I’ve always remembered it!!!

We somehow get to the platform, to the coach, get onto the train and sit down. 3 seats reserved. 6 of us to share it. Yup the travel agent Divya tied up with messed up. As always, lots of assurance that the tickets will be done in time but in the end it always comes to ‘Jugaad’! A word that is probably the most used word across the country! Same in the other coach where the other co travelers were… some reserved seats, some not so reserved seats. It’s cool, we cuddle up 3 to a side berth, chill, chat, snack, look out the window a lot (Chanda wasn’t feeling very social, Divya was sorting out stuff i.e. seats) and so the journey begins!

LESSON 2- Sleeper class is not so bad, I mean it’s not dirty, windows open, milieu of all sorts of national and international travelers, it’s alright. Oh apart from the fact that there are many people without tickets doubling and tripling up on one seat. But hey, it’s a party!

LESSON 3- I was right about the loos… yuck yuck and yuck… but that’s why you have paper soap (only available on Indian trains still or do you get it anywhere?) and hand sanitizer. When you gotta go, you suck it up and go! Also maybe go easy on the intake of water to survive lesser trips to said hell hole!! Oh and always, always use the Indian Style loo when flushes aren’t working!

 

So we chug along, finally get some seats, I get a lower side berth, freeze due to gaps in the windows, and let’s face it, it’s the 29^th of December people so it’s going to be cold ! Not unexpected! The problem was I almost didn’t make the train coz I was really really sick a few days before so I went to the doctor on the day and got a whole lot of medicines not to miss this trip of a lifetime! So I coughed it through the night not sure if I would make it out alive, slept fitfully and woke up to another landscape all together!

 LESSON 4 – Reminded again -This is why I love travelling by train in this country… picturesque, ever changing, beautiful!

 DAY 2- 30^TH DECEMBER 2016

Spent the morning hours looking out an open doorway, got to Jaisalmer and headed off to home for the next few days. The Bunkyard Hostel does live upto its online pictures. The Staff is friendly and young , rooms are clean , nice warm atmosphere , be it abhinav, Kunal, Nini or Durgaji who made the stay most comfortable and likeable even if a bit disorganized considering we checked into a register when we were checking out!! …

But for those who have stayed in mixed hostels, it’s not really a dormitory with bunkbeds, more like a room with one bathroom within it for all to share. And it truly is a mixed dorm where there be no thoughts of chivalry whatsoever! So 5 men and 3 women have decided to bunk together, while all very companionable a few things did stand out.

OBSERVATIONS:

1. All the men wanted the lower bunk! And made sure they grabbed said bunks on entry into the room!
2. The Bunk beds are light for heavy weights like me (Chanda had to sit down on the lower bunk to “weigh it down” for me to climb onto the top bunk!
3. If you’re sharing a bunk and travelling together, it’s presumed you’re married!!!
4. Men take longer than women to shower and get ready. Imagine!Most of us snore! I no longer feel embarrassed about that one!!
5. Bunkyard has an amazing view of the fort from the rooftop.

 

So anyhow, once everyone showered, changed, (beautified basically) we were running late ! Waiting downstairs for everyone I decided to have a bit of a stroll, only to be charged by a bull ! I swear that animal had a beefy eye on me, and wearing red , walking alone , I worried about getting back to the hostel safe!! May be important to state here that I was all of 200 metres away from bunkyard! And no there is no proof of said member of the cattle family. I clearly was NOT going to pull out a camera while being followed by a beast!  Thankfully I made it back safe only to be bundled into a autorickshaw to head to the fort. He apparently knew exactly where to take us. And Salim was to be relied upon fully to get us there by the fastest possible route as time was of essence now to see the fort and get to the lake before sunset.

He didn’t! a few of us got dropped off at the lake instead of the fort and salim was left far behind! As my friend Chanda would say “ Not to worry!” , salim found us scattered souls, hauled us back into autos and took us to the right location. The sonar fort!

SONAR FORT

The fort is exquisite , albeit a very brief visit , it’s a stunning little city. The only fort still in the country which houses a local population inside its walls. You can probably spend the whole day discovering shops and restaurants apart from all the history it holds. Stunning architecture and wonderful stories to boot!

LESSON 5: Take what tour guides in forts say with a pinch of salt… sometimes a good story isn’t quite accurate historically.

LESSON 6: Most forts / historical spots will definitely have a story of Mr Amitabh Bachchan attached. Go with the flow and just enjoy it but definitely wander around alone as well and discover and make your own stories too.

Where was I ? aah yes.. the fort , one of the most interesting forts to be discovered but alas we were behind the clock!!! A quick wiz around said structure full of history and back to the autorickshaws to try to race against time and catch the sunset on the lake… 

Sunsets and me have a strange love story… the thought of catching one always takes me to a melancholic beautiful space… but actually catching a breathtaking moment where the earth turns on its axis to give us a false sense of the setting sun? few and far between! We went through the first of intitial auto findings on this journey, as more than 3 were needed… scooted through crowded streets (with many more lecherous bulls eyeing our going ons!) and scampered to the lake side, only to be met with lines or mobs of people waiting to get their boats! Salim gallantly pushed through the crowds , trying to weasel his way to jump said queque… he clearly didn’t have as much clout as we believed… for the fading sun on the horizon was dipping lower and lower… eventually we all got boats… after sunset… however while feeling dejected on yet another loss, I looked around me and further off into the watery horizon and was blissfully happy , for the sky was a shade of pink that was memorable with the water lapping against our boat… we didn’t get the greatest of rowers, for he clearly did not love his job. While our comrades were in a 10 seater up to hi jinx and impromptu singing by the star singer of the region… we were trying desperately to get what was promised. I clearly was in a world of my own… watching flocks of birds flying homeward. Enjoying the serenity of the moment and just pausing for once , what should have been, could have been , what if… all gone… just in the moment of sunsets and dreams to be dreamt….

LESSON 7: Sometimes what annoys you the most in the moment actually reaps the most joy in the end!

I went back feeling refreshed and looking forward to the next day… New Year’s Eve…about to tick off a to do from my life time bucket list.. a different non city party. Non depressive alone TV 31^st December! Surprises started back at Bunkyard… we were in for a treat ! a beautiful chilled out evening on the rooftop… looking out at the fort on the horizon while serenaded with some local culture… much food and drink was had… all in all many photo ops later, we all descended to our bunks for a night of storytelling and games with trepidation in our hearts for the adventure ahead!

LESSON 8: Money doesn’t necessarily buy a great time!

DAY 3- 31^st  DECEMBER 2016

After a night of merriment and such other “adda” (as the Bengalis call it!) , dawned the morning of new year’s eve. I had a fitful night of messages and phone conversations , however I finally settled amongst a cacophony of snores, which I soon added too! At some stage of the late morning Chanda tried to wake me to go see a much treasured haveli in the area.. I would have nothing doing! I had a full night ahead, I had seen enough haveli’s! I feel bad for divya .. she was so enthusiastic and energized to get this group to experience it all… but by the time all the lazy and hygenic brethren emerged there was no time for haveli wanderings! And so we ate, dressed and waited for the jeeps to take us out to the dunes!!!

Finally some vans arrive and we bundle in… jaisalmer is a small city so we are on the outskirts soon…. I had no idea of what fun awaited but I enjoyed the ride of singing songs, watching windmills and a cool cool breeze….

LESSON 9: Progressive work for the environment happens in unexpected places, big cities are not an example of the world at large.

 

Rendezvous spot no 1 is absolutely unimpressive. Couple of camels , that’s it . there was a camel ride.. so guess it will be a few minutes on a camel till the jeeps come to take us to camp. NOPE! Since we were the first lot there, and I was feeling very adventurous and did not want to miss another sunset , I happily hopped on to one of the first camels.

LESSON 10: Get over your short term memory … I DO NOT LIKE CAMEL RIDES!!!

LESSON 11: Camels walking on dry earth are awkward and uncomfortable to the core.

LESSON 12: no matter how bad your situation is in the moment, grit your teeth, you will get through it and hopefully come out alive at the other end!!!

LESSON 13: Make sure you know the history of the animal before u get on for a ride…

The above may leave u slightly puzzled however trust me , IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. I was riding on Shakira , yup my camel was Shakira, and trust me I yet again believe “hips don’t lie”! if the sway of Shakira’s hips wasn’t enough to have me jump straight off, I had Michael Jackson, the camel behind me who kept getting closer and closer to my thigh!!! Laughingly we were told MJ was in love with Shakira!!! Being in the middle of this unrequited love was DEFINITELY not the best possible scenario !! I consider myself to have a pretty strong backbone, but being the woman in the way of any love story is always bad news and I wanted off!!!

 

Much cajoling of we are almost there every five minutes led to the end of the journey 30 mins later. The moment that camel sat done I sprang off her faster than I thought possible and started walking to the sand dunes. I had a sunset to catch! Our comrades didn’t have as lucky a ride. The camels were no where in site so they got into jeeps to make the sunset. The jeep got stuck in the sand and they had to walk 2 kms or so to get to the dunes.

LESSON 14: Walking in sand is a tough tough work out. Its not like beach sand. But more on that later!

When we all gathered chat started on this being the spot. I vehemently said there is absolutely no way. I've been to camps elsewhere , there is no bonfire set up or mattresses. The organisers will probably meet us here and take us to X SPOT close by. The sunset was about to happen , so we sat around, enjoyed the sunset. Took gazillion pictures and chilled out.

As the sunset,  it started getting darker and chilly.

Various other groups started migrated to be around us, since we seemed to be the biggest group at that point. No signs of the organisers or anyone who knew what was going on. Once the sunset people from other groups tried to light brush to make fires while Divya anxiously started trying to reach the coordinator of this whole escapade.  Water thankfully was bought from a wandering vendor. And we waited….. and waited….