Sire

I meant to write this yesterday but guess was too exhausted to string valid and comprehensible sentences together. Why I feel the need to do this? Why does there even need to be a need to explain? So I won’t.

There will be those who read this, who have heard of him. There will be those who have met him and know him better than I possibly can. But there would be very few or none who feel the same way about him as I do or are even aware of the journey of us being friends. Including possibly him himself!

My last few pieces may have been slightly dark. And this may have shades of darkness to but which relationship doesn’t?

Being far removed and also not as up with the times, I had no impression before I met him, except that as conveyed by my colleagues. I had never spoken to him either. At least I don’t remember now if I did. I was told he was a quiet man of the sweetest temperament and even in the worst scenario’s he never lost his cool. I was told he was a patient man who went about his business quietly and I would just take to him immediately.

I was introduced to him in a meeting with a whole bunch of people. Or was it the other way around on location sire? Either ways the impression was the same. He wasn’t the person I had in my head- sweet, docile, friendly and approachable. He was grumpy! He unnerved me with his one word answers and his silently watching proceedings. And yet I knew even then that I wanted to leave a good impression on him.

The chronology of events is lost on me. Me and my short term memory. But here is what I do remember and that has stayed ever since. The feeling.

The months before I met him, were, well were full of rapids and waterfalls, of struggling to breathe and floating to survive. Of swimming against a tide wanting to pull me under to deep sea diving into sheer oblivion of being bitter and hating the world and life. Of heart wrenching loss and stubborn determination to make it through with my head held high. Within the first few meetings with lesser people around I had the mental space to register the feeling. It seemed alien and yet known. Seemed like something I was missing. Had been missing for a while. It was a feeling of calm. Irrespective of what was happening I would take moments to just be in the same space, share a few words. Go sit quietly next to him. And I would instantly feel calm.

There were occasions when his dry wit and advice felt vaguely familiar. Yet in the madness it was it took me some time to figure it out. He reminded me of my mum. He instilled the same sense of not being alone. Of being there to listen without saying a word. And when he did say anything it would make me realise how silly I was and make me crack up at myself.

The added perks was the sense of being protected. Or enjoying music. Or simply wanting some cold water to drink to feel revived. But coming back to feeling someone cared again. I remember the first time. No one in the entire team gave a damn about the fact I was driving and driving alone from the back and beyond in the middle of the night. I said my goodnight and decided to at least tail back part of the way to civilization. I remember being tired and irritated that the car I was to tail was taking its own sweet time to move. Damn the driver, let’s get going people!  Sire got out of the same and walked to my car behind. I put on my fake smile and politely asked “what happened?”, “open the door” he growled. I did. And he sat down and said simply, “let’s go”.

The one time he got really pissed off with me, I was shattered for days. Angry at him for feeling that way, which soon turned to panic that he would never speak to me again, to just heart wrenching pain that I would never be forgiven. There was also jealousy of not being in his inner circle, of him not standing up for me and me being a sullen and sulking child. And yet he put up with me. Just as mommy did.

Considering the windows of time we met and the amount of distractions of work and other brain screwing things that happened, it came as a revelation to me of how much his presence had gotten me through. I knew I would miss him but when in the moment, everything else which I had taken in my stride was just so much bigger to digest. The distances seemed so much longer. The lack of calm so much more suffocating. The desire to run so much stronger.

When the gig ended … here is what I did... I hopped on a flight within 24 hours, for the first time in my life.  Found the first possible opportunity to see him. And just that gave me strength to face the world again.

In the seven months that have followed. A message. A meeting. A call. All have the same effect on me. An instant heart felt big beaming smile. Right from my soul.

Now you may be wondering, why I want to share this with you. These are private thoughts. A beautiful friendship and growing love and respect for a mentor of sorts. Though he would cringe at me giving him such importance. So here is why. Each of us, feel lacking. The world can be a horrible cruel place where all you get is criticism and negativity, while you may know you are loved and valued and the role you play, have played, will play, in someone’s life is of consequence, rarely do you give yourself credit of realizing how you being just you has brought magic to those around you. Not by conscious effort or by hollow words but by just being you. While you weren’t trying you too would have left an unforgettable mark on someone’s life. You too would have brought “Shanti”. You too would have made someone feel like “it’s gonna be alright”!

And THAT gives you strength to the howls of ‘Kismat’ calling!