I hate Vasant Kunj… NO i'm disappointed in Delhi..

I was so frustrated yesterday… and then an interesting experience… no time since. Moment passed… today as I scrolled randomly through Facebook and faces and places I haven’t seen in years but still leave a warm feeling in the heart… last night’s chaos and cruelty came back to me..

Delhi goes mad with two drops of rain. Delhi is mental in peak office traffic… but peak times are anytime of the day. Men give all this shit about women are so arrogant and judgmental and feminist. Heck when did any of us say we were anti men? Or help. Or bichaara???? Are we super human… No…. do we claim to be… no…. are we dumb… no… so why would you think in peak traffic we would just take a siesta and be having some random chat on the middle of the highway , when a three lane is turned into a 7 lane???? 

Do I not have somewhere to get too???? So while I wonder why my clutch has lost all play and what’s going on… you honk away, call me names and look at me like I’m just another dumb ass woman driver??? Really!!! I applaud the one guy who actually made the effort to get off his lazy ass and come and cuss me with that operative question of … what is wrong with you , your holding up traffic… in my head I thought…. Aaah… just a lovely spot for a cuppa tea… but I politely said… clutch gone… I can’t move this car on my own… and really u want to give me that look… no man could either move this car on their own… so you want to help ? didn’t say it… played the good ole bichaari bhaiya ji card…traffic jam near andheria mode… don’t judge me… bhaiya ji is what a delhi girl is all about right… #beingindian….. playing on the help me card… so here is what he did… pushed it … wherever the car goes rest… screw it… I can get my big SUV out! So I push said car after asking bystanders to stop staring… called just dial, get a tow truck to finally come… while many a stare at the stupid woman driver…. But here is a question for all my opinionated male counterparts… if the clutch goes out on you what’s the solution? My mechanic said you can do jackshit but tow the car to a workshop… but if you have a solution let me know for next time… I got the best advice..of… park on the side of the road , put the ac on in this heat and wait it out! 

Nightmares of people and their bad experiences … kept the windows down.. Knowing my bad luck, expected electrical failure as well.. And with no Kada or hockey stick in the car didn’t want to take the chance!!!!

So here comes the good part… middle class and SUV clad swanky cars, drivers, men, women… give a rat’s ass…. Tow truck man from Jharkhand looks surprised when I ask for a ride in his truck but politely agrees…. Also is chivalrous and tells the helper come navigator to ride in the back so I’m not uncomfortable, and when I climb into his truck, tells said chap to shut the door for me… when some random stranger is taking a picture of his number plate and I ask what’s going on , he politely tells me, it may be someone who recognizes my car and is looking out for my safety …” aapka koi jaan pehchaan ka hoga, aapka fikr kar rahaa hai”… never saw that man in my life!!!!

Gear boxes in trucks radiate a lot of heat! It was a long and dismal ride… among the many pictures of ram, sita, hanumanji, durga ma, Krishna ji, holes in the floor, my car bouncing behind me…. And yet … with all the stares I got , I thought to myself , would I be shocked or judgmental and unhelpful too??? And here be the truth… if I was to see me stranded in the middle of the road and someone was blocking me… and I couldn’t get through… yes first I’d be annoyed, coz it’s a traffic jam and have been on the road hours… but I’d push the car to the side… I’d ask if you need help, have you called for a tow truck or a friend… and even if I didn’t know or wasn’t part of the earlier story and I saw someone riding a truck… I wouldn’t stare or gawk … I’d just smile and think… that must be fun despite the journey on how you got there…. Coz it was fun…. Even if dehydrating… so here is what I say to you AC swanky car passengers with drivers etc…I may not have a driver out of choice but I am one of you… but shit happens… and fun happens through it too… so get a grip and remember an integral part of your lives which involved dirty DTC and blue line or red line buses… or even worse… walking in the Delhi heat…. With heavy bags full of books…. Or hitching rides later on…And what about drinking water out of coolers in school where no RO’s or filters existed! 

When did you forget how everyone came rushing to help you out when you fell down a few stairs? When did you turn into such an angry opinionated moron??? Now now don’t get your knickers in a twist…. You really weren’t on that road crossing me… so what you guilty about?????

4-3-2-1-Zero

August again..

Its funny how this time of year has been one of landmarks and big changes in my life.

Some forced upon me. Some just as normal as changing seasons...

Looking back...every person whose left a lasting effect in my life , had known me a month and some...give or take a bit in the month of August.

Ain't that deep , when one connects it to the fact im born in June!!

That aside though...

Right from being a wee one... My parents and my sister.

My lasting friendships from school.

My soul mate from college.

My mentors and still dear friends from my first job.

My most interesting work experiences.

My life's hardest and biggest decision.

My happiest times. My saddest times.

My starting all over.

My starting all over again.

And now yet again. Change.

Change is the only constant there is.

People come and people go.

Places. Thoughts. Views. Emotions too..

But when in the moment there is only two things that go through one's mind like two sides of the same coin...

Love and gratitude flipping to deep sadness and heart wrenching pain at goodbyes...

Already the hysterical giggling is a fading memory...

The crowded room now a huge hollow space...

And in the fading light ...they walk away...

There be a big smile on my face...

Just in case someone turns to wave..

That be thunder somewhere ?

And the starting of a drizzle?

It be august .....i walk into the rain..

Safe from prying eyes yet again...

It just be raindrops falling on my face!

Revisiting history….

“I’m nothing special… in fact I’m a bit of a bore…”

No madness in me… all sanity in me… one life… baby eyes.. Seeing things for the first time. Not. 

Maybe.

I gave myself a haircut.

Not bad.

Drinking expired bottled orange juice.

Even better.

Live a little … feel a little.. Stop being numb … stop being loud mouth and feel for real?

Feel 25… am 35… where did the years go?

Blessed… tormented… loved…hated… envied… looked down upon… who isn’t?

Pork roast and gravy… no veggies… leftovers.. No tsk tsk… no desire for seconds…

Stiff upper lip.. Silent retreats…

Love never had so how can it be lost…

Dancing eyes.. Bearded looks.. Scoffing walk by..

Misunderstood.. Bad memory doesn’t help to defend…

Pure heart… hearty laughter..

Soft voice.. Shocking results…

Painful shoulders… suck it up…

Live on rockstar…

1 year… 3 months… 8 days…

Reaching for the shadows…

Holding on to the voice…

Feeling the smile….

“I don’t wanna talk about things we’ve gone through… now it’s history…. The winner takes it all… the loser takes the fall”

Masihood is good… At least I won’t be an old hag alone … I hope!

I was never a baby person. I mean I didn’t hate kids… well the spoilt brats who threw a strop would irritate me.. But I enjoyed them from a distance. Purely because I was fearful of dropping them!! Or breaking them! Or other such dark and scary thoughts!!!  Hey give me a break … I’m accident prone… I walk into walls!!!

The transition first came, when my masi put my baby brother into my arms… life has never been the same since.

Maybe I should go backwards… my youngest niece is fast asleep in my bed with her mother. All of two, the pure joy and happiness it brings to me of knowing they are safe and happily asleep inspires me to write again… what I write... I never know. So how would you... How this ends remains a mystery till the end.

Before that there has been almost two decades of young ones... and every moment around them has been moments of sheer bliss... There have been fights and tantrums.. Laughter and hysterics too.. Nappy changes and movie nights... Angst, frustration and gladness they were not mine to deal with 24x7… but despite all that there has been complete and utter joy.

There is heart ache in knowing Iona and Isabella better... Especially when meetings are sporadic and it’s a social demand to say hello to their masi who they don’t know but there is time yet to build those bonds.

And that comes from hope of the bonds I do have... the moments of time spent together, fleeting some... but enough to register in their hearts (I hope!) and mine!

I feel old… my eldest... How I love the way I say “mine” is 18 now... I remember her in her mommies tummy... is the most gorgeous young lady ever. The young lad in the midst who really sets me straight and makes me laugh... but most of all reminds me of myself in so many ways… especially when pushed to give a proper hug!!! And then come the tweens... Zoya who carries my mother’s soul on her tiny shoulders and Nayantara with her mother’s endearing giving nature of pure love for all. Abhay with his gorgeous dimples and just happy happy engulfing being.. Like his grandparents and parents and aunt and uncle before him…. And then there is Tara… sweet sweet Tara Para… full of mischief and yet so accepting of all around her.

Each deserves their own stories, but tonight, it’s about me. Not being sexist but my brothers still haven’t made me a bua... but on some level I know this… being a masi is a whole different ball game... for sisterhood has been the greatest role in my life (a whole battalion of big sisters ! yes Vasundhara I haven’t forgotten you… there is huge pride in being your big sister too!) beyond my mother and bua and chachis and thai and masi,s and godmothers , the male equivalent has been the sane sorted normal ones to look up to and unto and on occasion fear! And thus maybe the joy found in being an aunt!!

When my nieces tell me I look beautiful I believe them... Because they also tell me I’m fat and many wet kisses follow... lol! When my nieces give me beaming smiles and crawl all over me, I growl but let them, because no matter what the love of a child is pure... No pretenses. No hard feelings… no baggage.. Just unadulterated love.

If I could wish upon a falling star right now, I would wish for only one thing… let the innocence of the blessed children never change and let me always be the recipient of that impulsive hug and pure joy in their eyes!  

Sire

I meant to write this yesterday but guess was too exhausted to string valid and comprehensible sentences together. Why I feel the need to do this? Why does there even need to be a need to explain? So I won’t.

There will be those who read this, who have heard of him. There will be those who have met him and know him better than I possibly can. But there would be very few or none who feel the same way about him as I do or are even aware of the journey of us being friends. Including possibly him himself!

My last few pieces may have been slightly dark. And this may have shades of darkness to but which relationship doesn’t?

Being far removed and also not as up with the times, I had no impression before I met him, except that as conveyed by my colleagues. I had never spoken to him either. At least I don’t remember now if I did. I was told he was a quiet man of the sweetest temperament and even in the worst scenario’s he never lost his cool. I was told he was a patient man who went about his business quietly and I would just take to him immediately.

I was introduced to him in a meeting with a whole bunch of people. Or was it the other way around on location sire? Either ways the impression was the same. He wasn’t the person I had in my head- sweet, docile, friendly and approachable. He was grumpy! He unnerved me with his one word answers and his silently watching proceedings. And yet I knew even then that I wanted to leave a good impression on him.

The chronology of events is lost on me. Me and my short term memory. But here is what I do remember and that has stayed ever since. The feeling.

The months before I met him, were, well were full of rapids and waterfalls, of struggling to breathe and floating to survive. Of swimming against a tide wanting to pull me under to deep sea diving into sheer oblivion of being bitter and hating the world and life. Of heart wrenching loss and stubborn determination to make it through with my head held high. Within the first few meetings with lesser people around I had the mental space to register the feeling. It seemed alien and yet known. Seemed like something I was missing. Had been missing for a while. It was a feeling of calm. Irrespective of what was happening I would take moments to just be in the same space, share a few words. Go sit quietly next to him. And I would instantly feel calm.

There were occasions when his dry wit and advice felt vaguely familiar. Yet in the madness it was it took me some time to figure it out. He reminded me of my mum. He instilled the same sense of not being alone. Of being there to listen without saying a word. And when he did say anything it would make me realise how silly I was and make me crack up at myself.

The added perks was the sense of being protected. Or enjoying music. Or simply wanting some cold water to drink to feel revived. But coming back to feeling someone cared again. I remember the first time. No one in the entire team gave a damn about the fact I was driving and driving alone from the back and beyond in the middle of the night. I said my goodnight and decided to at least tail back part of the way to civilization. I remember being tired and irritated that the car I was to tail was taking its own sweet time to move. Damn the driver, let’s get going people!  Sire got out of the same and walked to my car behind. I put on my fake smile and politely asked “what happened?”, “open the door” he growled. I did. And he sat down and said simply, “let’s go”.

The one time he got really pissed off with me, I was shattered for days. Angry at him for feeling that way, which soon turned to panic that he would never speak to me again, to just heart wrenching pain that I would never be forgiven. There was also jealousy of not being in his inner circle, of him not standing up for me and me being a sullen and sulking child. And yet he put up with me. Just as mommy did.

Considering the windows of time we met and the amount of distractions of work and other brain screwing things that happened, it came as a revelation to me of how much his presence had gotten me through. I knew I would miss him but when in the moment, everything else which I had taken in my stride was just so much bigger to digest. The distances seemed so much longer. The lack of calm so much more suffocating. The desire to run so much stronger.

When the gig ended … here is what I did... I hopped on a flight within 24 hours, for the first time in my life.  Found the first possible opportunity to see him. And just that gave me strength to face the world again.

In the seven months that have followed. A message. A meeting. A call. All have the same effect on me. An instant heart felt big beaming smile. Right from my soul.

Now you may be wondering, why I want to share this with you. These are private thoughts. A beautiful friendship and growing love and respect for a mentor of sorts. Though he would cringe at me giving him such importance. So here is why. Each of us, feel lacking. The world can be a horrible cruel place where all you get is criticism and negativity, while you may know you are loved and valued and the role you play, have played, will play, in someone’s life is of consequence, rarely do you give yourself credit of realizing how you being just you has brought magic to those around you. Not by conscious effort or by hollow words but by just being you. While you weren’t trying you too would have left an unforgettable mark on someone’s life. You too would have brought “Shanti”. You too would have made someone feel like “it’s gonna be alright”!

And THAT gives you strength to the howls of ‘Kismat’ calling!

My life with seizures

I haven’t written complete sentences in a while. Yet I feel the need to. The weeks I’ve had or the day I have had.. I’m not sure. Kismat and Karma are both very dear to me. Possibly in retrospect the dogs I love the most. Is it because I am responsible for them? Or is it because I am guilty because I was against them being adopted in the first place? Or more likely, they are the last living beings who I live with and are continuation from a safer and more secure time.

Karma

I remember vividly that first time when Karma had a seizure, I was woken from sleep, with a high pitched panicked voice saying “Jaldi Aoa, Karma mar gayi hai” (Karma is dead). I rushed out to the garden, sleep daze escaping so quickly, to find this dog, still as ever. This was a few years ago. Mum was slower on her feet. I went through a gamut of emotions of not again. Not another dog I need to bury before there time.. Panic… clear thinking….. of I need to check her… fear.. Call the doctor.. And then she got up… like a drunken toddler and wandered a bit disoriented. Kismat the ever concerned brother.. Karma going for him.. I did the one thing I was taught to do when dogs are having a fight or about to have a fight… throw water on them. Makes them snap out of it. It was the worst thing I could have done. For she was having a seizure. I learnt my first lesson in dog seizures then.

Karma was put onto homeopathic. I’ve seen her have one other seizure in life. But the homeopathic controls it. Hers, was out in the garden. Mild. Besides, it wasn’t my responsibility. Mum wanted the dogs. Her job to keep them well. We had a pact. Don’t involve me. I’ve done enough vets and doggie funerals. I don’t want to be a part of it. She agreed.

Life was smooth for a few years. I got to just play with the dogs. A few times I had to take them to the vet and after the rollicking fights before and after even that stopped. I only trained Kismat to give me kisses. Kismat is the most loyal man in my life. Men come and men go but he will not rest till I rest. He annoys me shitless by keeping me up all night but will feel each and every mood and not sleep till I sleep.

Karma’s seizures were controlled with the medication. All was ok. I lived my life.

Mum died.

Kismat

Kismat started getting seizures a few months ago. Worse than Karma’s. I was more prepared. Mommy always said he was the more sensitive one.  But if any of you have seen a child or adult or animal convulse, it would have broken your heart. You’re helpless. You just have to wait it out. Talking to them in a soothing voice and calmly sometimes helps it pass quicker. Else you just need to wait.

Kismat had the worst seizure I have seen thus far. This morning was the longest too. I calmed him down. Slept another hour. And left for work. Life goes on. Instruction was given to not bother him. Let him be. No screaming just quiet around him. But I had work. I had to go and earn my living.

I love Karma but it got me thinking. What would I do if something happened to him? How do I fix this? Why aren’t the meds working? And then I realized why it means so much. Mommy always said, dogs are like babies. They can’t talk and tell you what’s wrong. These are her children whom she left in my care. To love and nurture and give them the best life I could.  They are my responsibility. And thus I feel guilty. But more than that, they are all I have left to teach me and support me like my mother did, they are who I come home to, they are my companions, friends and family at any given time. 

If anything were to happen to Kismat it would due to the sheer example of what he stands for…be the worst moment in my life... no that’s a lie… the love.. Unconditional I have got from him is only comparable to one… my mother… anyhow he is snoring and stretching out…digging into my side.. And here comes Karma to claim her warm spot under the rasai!

Kismat

My eyebrow flickers uncontrollably….

He paws me…

There is a tear

Streaming down his face.

And I say to him …

There is sadness in me too…

There is a love lost for me too…

I’m sorry I don’t spend enough time with you..

He curls up quietly next to me …

He is one of the last to remind me I am not alone…

He is one of the last to show me I am just one in the universe.

You’re born alone. You die alone.

The in between is just a mirage of experiences and adventures

Collected over time.

The in between is hot summer nights

And cosy Christmas Eve’s

Of heart wrenching pain

And breathless laughter.

Of love had and love lost.

While the clock strikes on and the eyebrow twitches…

I look in his eyes.

Mirrors.

Reflections to my soul.

I love me. I hate me. I want to be me. I want to love me.

I’m numb … yet my fingers write on…

It’s all murky now.

I curl up next to him.

And breathe.

It’s all a painted veil.  

 And yet a tear tries to escape.

In gratitude possibly for all that was, is and all that could be.

The first one to love us…the last one to leave us

Yet she still stands by us unconditionally…  

He licks my face...

While my throat constricts,

So I just breathe…

While he walks away from me… 

Everything is all Right - inspired by "The Fountain"

Death is inevitable.

Each day that passes is one day less in my life.

And yet I will leave a legacy.

A fine web of memories.

The body will be forgotten.

First the feel of my touch.

Then my voice.

Then my smile.

Yet you will remember me.

You will tell my story.

You will follow my rules.

You will be my soul.

You will be my voice.

For I have seeped into your being.

I ask for no grave, for I want to be free to live on in the universe.

I ask for no flowers, for I want no life to be killed to remember me.

I ask for nothing.

For your love I already have.

As you have mine.

The body will be forgotten.

But I will not.

For I have lived well.

I have taught well.

I have loved well.

I am Eve. And you are my children.

I am the eternal fountain you can drink from at any time.

For I have planted my seed.

And I will always be your tree of life.