Deolikhan...

Between Ranikhet and Sitlakhet. Almora in front of me,twinkling in the distance , an hour away by road. A beautiful 2 bedroom cottage with a hammock to lie in. Never knew why everyone loved one so but lesson learnt. The perfect way to just soak up the sun or the stars depending on the time of day.  Another first was to stand quietly on a khud side and be surrounded with beautiful yellow butterflies flying around me. The most breath taking of it all was being able to see the morning sunrise with Trishul and Nanda Devi on the horizon. What had only ever been a picture in a text book was right there in front of my eyes.

The cottage is quaint with a broken road leading to it, wooden flooring, tilted roof, the smell of pine, raat ki rani, grandparents to grandkids and Jasmine to boot! Modern with tv, electricity and the finest amenities. You really want nothing.

My mind was pretty much on a complete shutdown since I left Delhi. Which is just what I needed? Think I would have really needed a loony bin if I hadn't come! Guess its just a phase where work, family, friends, relationships, hopes, dreams all burden one rather than me feeling happy and blessed for what I do have. But here watching the hillside, feeling the pitter patter of the drizzle around me, it all seems a lot less over bearing.

I've always known the hills and the sea have a calming influence on me, but i guess to much time flies before one gets away to this again. It's been only a day since I've been back yet it already seems like i need another escape from Delhi. And this is while i really do love my city the most in the world. Nothing like my own car to drive and knowing every nook and cranny. Maybe being on this trip just has brought out being a child again on some level, being taken care of, stress free - no having to plan a trip or transport or stay or food or 100 people's contrary desires.

Even now I shut my eyes and I imagine that little spot on the hill top and I feel blessed to have been a part of it. 

Fly Baby Fly…

Body, mind, soul broken is when you will be pushed to do something about it instead of escaping behind the mediocrity of responsibilities and the mundane forever more. And that’s exactly what’s happened with me. A random connect over message and 4 days later a road trip. 

From the moment I decided to come the days couldnot pass quickly enough. Nor was the pain of the city more intense.

A 10 hour journey later…sheer bliss… I can breathe again. Any less and I don’t think I’d have left the baggage behind… any less and the mind and body wouldnot have been ready to renew itself. But it was. And I am. Luscious green beautiful mountains surrounding me.  Almora across me , Ranikhet below me and Sitlakhet yet to be discovered around the curve. 

Fresh air, good food, the smell of pine and the beauty of the wild flowers on the hill side to add to a calm surrounding me. 

The city is always close by but it’s so much easier to just let it simmer and forget it just for awhile up here. Maybe once I regain My Strength and My Sanity I’ll venture down there again, maybe not … but till then, thank you Deolikhan for giving me a reason to feel I can fly again… even if it’s just for today....  

I only wonder… why do I always wait so long ????  

Moving on…

I firmly maintain that even years are better than odd years but what with the prophecy of the end of the world, 2012 really seems to be not working out too well and it really feels like 2013! Literary from 12 am on the 1^st of January till this day.  Deluded depressive thoughts are another reason for the sabbatical I guess but then I got a Eureka moment. My very dear friend lost someone extremely dear to her and I realized again that life is too short. Guess this happens to me once a year.. and usually about the same time. What’s the point of being depressed and unhappy when u can live and love and enjoy the small joys this world has to offer u. The shit will never end but a hug still makes one smile. Why hang on to something or someone who doesn’t have the strength to value you and ignore the ones who adore you? Why run away from people who love you because u don’t want to hear what they say, knowing they are right, when you do exactly the same thing? 

i get by with a little help from my friends.....

Ego, respect, hurt, attention, self preservation are important but important enough to lose out on love and smiles and walks in the hills? No, I don’t think so. So I’m gonna do what I do everyday, wake up and say today is the first day of the rest of my life and move on. One step in front of the other. I will learn to walk again. I will learn to run again. I will learn to fly again.  

The truth is out there....

A looming sense of dread lurks in the shadows of the day.
Inching forward as twilight sets in.
Kept at bay by some subconscious strength as the night gets darker.
With the flick of a light switch the darkness creeps into your skin.
The demons start suffocating you and your breath goes hollow.
Then falls the teardrop to chase it all away and clean your soul of evil.
One after the other till you lose count & fall into a exhausted slumber.
Magical places and people. Smiles and Treats.
Just when you reach out to your pot of gold, dawn paws at you.
Pulls you back to this conscious state of being.
The cycle never breaks....
Leaving only one question ...with no answer ... Which is my real life? 

I’m not a dog lover!

People who have dogs always pet stray dogs, what about your dogs at home, you may carry an infection??? People pick up strays, I disagree, how can you separate a puppy from its mother? What will happen to the poor mother when she can’t find her baby??? People feed dogs on the street, great! Till the day you forget or get bored of it or shift towns and all these dogs are dependent on you??? People scoff when I say you don’t want to get a dog or any animal because you can’t take care of it, you work and have no support. What do I know, I’m not a dog lover, 6 months later they give the dog away.

From the time I was little the dogs have been an integral part of my life. They got the treats, the comfiest chair in the house, all the love and attention and I hated it. There was Gidget , a dachshund , who was older than me. I had 2 big sisters – my sister and Gidgy. What a dog was she! Smarter than most humans I met then or ever since!. She’d irritate the hell out of me because she’d corner you between her paws and lick you clean to some doggie level of hygiene while I’d squirm with being tickled between my toes! ‘Don’t grumble meenakshi!’

Then there was Kajal , Gidget’s daughter. I didn’t really know how because she’d hog all my mum’s attention. Poor thing got paralysis of the hind legs. I didn’t get a paddling pool but a special one was got for her to help her recover. Hrmphf! I’d help fill the water and dry her down. Maybe pick her up to help once in a while. Whatever!

My masi had Thakur – Doberman, the most gracious gentlemen ever, scared me shitless why I wonder considering Gidget and he were the best pals. A Doberman and a Dachshund! Then there was Saiba – a Rottweiler, she looked at me funny and I always thought she was out to bite my bum!! Yet when Saiba was a puppy as was Surma the next dachshund after Kajal went onto doggie heaven, Sai would take Surma’s entire face into her mouth and not a scratch! Surma was the one who bullied Saiba all the time! As I grew older Saiba would sprawl across me on my bed and I wouldn’t move a muscle but somehow we managed to both sleep peacefully when occasion demanded it.

There was Gemini- Gemma – the Beagle. But she deserves a story all of her own.

Then I got my first dog Phoebe – technically she was for me but as all dogs in my house, they are mum’s best friends! Mum took her first trip in 25 years; Phoebe was old and fell ill, she had to be operated. I was there with my sister. Slept three nights on the floor with her after it, she went in her sleep. Buried her next to Gemma, the love of her life. How I cursed her for not hanging on just one more day till mum came home to say goodbye. I AM NOT a dog lover.

This brings us to the here and now. Kismat and Karma. Beagle + Dachshund mix. Deagles as we call them. Brother and sister. Kismat sensitive to the core gives love unconditionally. Karma – jealous and stubborn, always craves attention. I am always sidelined. Now they have migrated into my bed. Keep me up all night with their ‘in and outs’ Kismat sleeps all over me, sometimes we fight coz his paws are in my face. But he is the most reliable man ever, always there to greet me when I come home no matter what the hour. Karma won’t move an inch, digs her heels in but she does have the most soulful eyes even when I growl at her!

I tolerate my dogs! Im not a dog lover… so don’t say I am one!

Lost dreams.. Or are they.....

When one day runs into the other, month into month, year into year, in the bad times one feels time crawls and in the good it flashes by. However every once in a while one looks back and tries to analyse what one has achieved out of the list one had as a child. For me blessed with an active imagination I wanted to do anything and everything. I'd hold concerts in my back yard to an imaginary audience. I was going to be a world class rockstar. I was going to be a ballet dancer. I was going to be a best seller author. As I grew older I was going to be anchor of a travel show, earn while I followed my no 1 passion in the world. And then life happened!

Clearly I didn’t achieve any of this. I succumbed to the insecurities and pressures of not feeling good enough or strong enough to chase my dreams. I found new goals that I made myself believe that they made me happy and the funny thing is they did. It’s funny how life tweaks your dreams and gives it to you in some way, even if its not how u imagined it. My real audience consider me a ‘rockstar’ , I sometimes write in my blog for my own sanity, I’ve travelled on my own despite the odds to more places than most and while not an anchor i've found my foot in the world of making television shows.

Guess u never do lose sight of your dreams but just tweak them as you go along. And even if you do the universe does bring them to life in some way.