A moment too late…

Chocolate Fudge

I’ve said this before – I don’t cook, I run far from any hard work in the kitchen, no smelling fruit to see if ripe or sweet, no sifting grain to check for keedhas, no washing vegetables to make salads and such. And yet, each and every memory of mine involves food. The smell of freshly baking bread…. Her at the table surrounded with bottles of Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, Tomato sauce, Vinegar, Soy sauce - mixing, dabbling, tasting like she was making some magical potion. Truth be told , it was magical, an explosion of flavor and colour be it for spare ribs, or the butter filling for a chicken–a-la-Kiev;  salad dressing or home-made mayonnaise; her famous fudge to be distributed to many on Diwali or packed off for her nephew Jasmer in Indore.  Some smells were not so pleasant to me but oh how the dogs would go crazy … a brain wave of hers if I stand correct, nutritious liver biscuits for her 4 legged children baking in the oven.

Barbeque Spare Ribs 

There were only 2 places where this magic took place…. The dining table – mixing pots, steel bartans, bottles and ingredients all laden on the table or sitting on her bed with each surface covered with raisins and candy peel being cut, cleaned , chopped and whisked off to make room for dry fruits and other such!

And when not laden with ingredients she would be sitting there with her old recipe book, spectacles on the tip of her nose, patiently repeating instructions or changes in quantities depending on the number of expected and unexpected guests, add-ons to fuse in for a bit of a variation, what to be kept out depending on individual quirks...if Kuckoo chacha was coming then it had to be Pudina ka chutney no daniya in anything, while if Munna chacha then it had to be Daniya ki chutney and no pudina, Cookie chachi – likes her Vegetarian fish (a self coined title to a paneer dish!), Arvind tau must have his hot phulkas , Lynda thai – gulab jamuns, samosas for Abu… some of the things I learnt along the way, the list of people’s favorites and dislikes endless.

Closer to home she and didi had a food bond that I could never break into – Brain curry, karela, aloo mangori, gunpowder on idlis, fried chilies! But never one to discriminate or favor one over the other, we had our special inner circle moments, just me and her …. A good steak, Cadbury’s milk chocolate, which Siddhartha always brought big slabs of, on every trip just for her, club sandwiches with bacon and lettuce, midnight snacks of Grapenuts and cream with just a dash of milk for texture. 

Glazed Ham

But the most special of all would be Sunday lunches. Ever since I started working or even college I had a 6 day week. The only lunch together with her would be a Sunday. As the years passed, it became a given that I would not, unless dire circumstances, accept a lunch invite on a Sunday. That was our special meal in the week. How she thought of making it a treat for a meat loving me – prawn curry, fish curry, vindaloo, matar paneer, thehri, sambar with drumsticks, saag ghosht, every Sunday one of my favorites. And once the babies came, khichdi, idlis, fried chicken , whatever was there favorites too.   

Nandsingh Bhaiya is a great cook. Far and wide, he is known for his scrumptious food, be it lunch, dinner, festive occasions or just day to day normal khaana. I've always thought that as has everyone else.

And then everything changed.

No tantalizing smells of Pork chops in the oven, no leftovers in the fridge to be whipped into something new to snack on,  no new treats to just ‘see if you like it’, no sniffs of disdain at being too fussy …..empty table tops, hollow silences, no special nights with a glass of baileys on ice and bitter chocolate conversations, funniest of all was Nandsingh bhaiya’s food lost all flavor  too..."too salty", "too burnt", "too spicy", "too tough". Favorites were favorites no more, food meant nothing but a morsel here or there to survive. 

Confused I looked far and near to figure what was the missing ingredient, what had changed, every nook and cranny, every room I searched for her, for answers, for the food I craved, for my stomach, my mind, my heart and my soul.

Answers will remain unanswered for I waited too long to ask them and now she is gone.  

My Mother.... My Hero

A new word needs to be coined and added into the dictionary to describe our mother. Awesome, beautiful, strong, don't even begin to describe her. Those of you here today who know her, know what we are talking about. But for those of you here, who never met her I shall speak on behalf of my sister, Jeejaji, Siddhartha, and her babies Zoey and Nayantara. 

A running joke in the family possibly , and certainly for Didi and me has been, mum you just sit on your bed , yet if she isn't we would get upset as to where she was!!!! And then when we think about it, she was always on the move in her earlier days, and once she found papa she just enjoyed not having to be anywhere but home.

SSP, grand central station . For no matter which part of the world you came from, Patti was always there. Till a few years ago, it was the permanent address for many. And that just tells us one thing, she's always been relied on. 

No one puts it better than Zoya when she tells didi, Nana really listens. The hours and hours mum has spent listening to us, advising us, giving us the raised eyebrow look, smiling at our silly stories and woes, patiently, quietly and always saying the right thing. 

Everyone always has had there special place that no one can touch. The list is of family and friends is endless. The concern mum has for them too. 

Here is what I know about our mother, she's been a fighter, she's taught us to live and let live, to love, to move on and forgive. To let go of that, that makes us unhappy. She's baffled everyone with always being content and happy no matter what has come her way. 

We have gotten so many mails and calls and messages from all over the world, her friends from her child hood, the airforce, family and friends of hers and papa's  and while all special and true i'd like to share what her nephew Abhay has said. he says - I have such wonderful memories of your mother. In fact all of my memories of her are positive which I don't think I can honestly say for many others. She had this amazing ability to make you feel , she would always be there for you, no matter what, and that made people feel safe Around her. I certainly did. 

Uncle Shashi wrote - patti was such a lovely person. Always so warm, affectionate and cheerful. She always spread laughter whenever she went. 

Mum's circle of friends over the years Included many wonderful doctors  , Dr Tiwari sent didi a MSG a few weeks back saying - taking care her of her is my duty and I and my team do it with a passion. She is the sweetest patient I have ever looked after. She has taught us bravery, resilience, humor in the face of distress and magnanimity. And last night he sent us a MSG , some of it was - she taught us many things merely by the way she lived her life. She could sprinkle the conversation with such high class humor. So well spoken and graceful. Etched in my mind forever. 

On a lighter note , mum is a shopaholic  ! And yet not once has she shopped for herself. It's always for others. No getting gifts coz u have to. Care and detail of what would the person want. What suits them best. What would be nice. Everything has to be done in time , with patience, concentration to detail. 

Those who have been home have  eaten well for she is the most amazing cook. As our many in our family, but with the pan India influences that she has , it's just always been finger licking delicious !!!!!!! Whenever we go out and order the same things we are disappointed. 

Silly random thoughts maybe ? But isn't that what matters most???? The little quirks, the memories, the laughs, the tears, the silent moments of just being together. 

I can't speak of her in past tense, for she will always be, as she has always been our guiding light, our anchor, our mentor, our everything. 

And didi and I will continue learning from her to be better human beings. 

All our lives we have heard and seen amazing love for papa and in the last few weeks the same expressions of love for mamma from all over the world. How very blessed we both are to have been loved by two such beautiful people. 

We are happy. She is Dancing somewhere with our papa.  In her words, this too shall pass, we shall learn to live with our grief, for we are, our mother's daughters !!!! 

So today , do go and say cheers to her, For she is smiling , wherever she is. 

Deolikhan...

Between Ranikhet and Sitlakhet. Almora in front of me,twinkling in the distance , an hour away by road. A beautiful 2 bedroom cottage with a hammock to lie in. Never knew why everyone loved one so but lesson learnt. The perfect way to just soak up the sun or the stars depending on the time of day.  Another first was to stand quietly on a khud side and be surrounded with beautiful yellow butterflies flying around me. The most breath taking of it all was being able to see the morning sunrise with Trishul and Nanda Devi on the horizon. What had only ever been a picture in a text book was right there in front of my eyes.

The cottage is quaint with a broken road leading to it, wooden flooring, tilted roof, the smell of pine, raat ki rani, grandparents to grandkids and Jasmine to boot! Modern with tv, electricity and the finest amenities. You really want nothing.

My mind was pretty much on a complete shutdown since I left Delhi. Which is just what I needed? Think I would have really needed a loony bin if I hadn't come! Guess its just a phase where work, family, friends, relationships, hopes, dreams all burden one rather than me feeling happy and blessed for what I do have. But here watching the hillside, feeling the pitter patter of the drizzle around me, it all seems a lot less over bearing.

I've always known the hills and the sea have a calming influence on me, but i guess to much time flies before one gets away to this again. It's been only a day since I've been back yet it already seems like i need another escape from Delhi. And this is while i really do love my city the most in the world. Nothing like my own car to drive and knowing every nook and cranny. Maybe being on this trip just has brought out being a child again on some level, being taken care of, stress free - no having to plan a trip or transport or stay or food or 100 people's contrary desires.

Even now I shut my eyes and I imagine that little spot on the hill top and I feel blessed to have been a part of it. 

Fly Baby Fly…

Body, mind, soul broken is when you will be pushed to do something about it instead of escaping behind the mediocrity of responsibilities and the mundane forever more. And that’s exactly what’s happened with me. A random connect over message and 4 days later a road trip. 

From the moment I decided to come the days couldnot pass quickly enough. Nor was the pain of the city more intense.

A 10 hour journey later…sheer bliss… I can breathe again. Any less and I don’t think I’d have left the baggage behind… any less and the mind and body wouldnot have been ready to renew itself. But it was. And I am. Luscious green beautiful mountains surrounding me.  Almora across me , Ranikhet below me and Sitlakhet yet to be discovered around the curve. 

Fresh air, good food, the smell of pine and the beauty of the wild flowers on the hill side to add to a calm surrounding me. 

The city is always close by but it’s so much easier to just let it simmer and forget it just for awhile up here. Maybe once I regain My Strength and My Sanity I’ll venture down there again, maybe not … but till then, thank you Deolikhan for giving me a reason to feel I can fly again… even if it’s just for today....  

I only wonder… why do I always wait so long ????  

Moving on…

I firmly maintain that even years are better than odd years but what with the prophecy of the end of the world, 2012 really seems to be not working out too well and it really feels like 2013! Literary from 12 am on the 1^st of January till this day.  Deluded depressive thoughts are another reason for the sabbatical I guess but then I got a Eureka moment. My very dear friend lost someone extremely dear to her and I realized again that life is too short. Guess this happens to me once a year.. and usually about the same time. What’s the point of being depressed and unhappy when u can live and love and enjoy the small joys this world has to offer u. The shit will never end but a hug still makes one smile. Why hang on to something or someone who doesn’t have the strength to value you and ignore the ones who adore you? Why run away from people who love you because u don’t want to hear what they say, knowing they are right, when you do exactly the same thing? 

i get by with a little help from my friends.....

Ego, respect, hurt, attention, self preservation are important but important enough to lose out on love and smiles and walks in the hills? No, I don’t think so. So I’m gonna do what I do everyday, wake up and say today is the first day of the rest of my life and move on. One step in front of the other. I will learn to walk again. I will learn to run again. I will learn to fly again.  

The truth is out there....

A looming sense of dread lurks in the shadows of the day.
Inching forward as twilight sets in.
Kept at bay by some subconscious strength as the night gets darker.
With the flick of a light switch the darkness creeps into your skin.
The demons start suffocating you and your breath goes hollow.
Then falls the teardrop to chase it all away and clean your soul of evil.
One after the other till you lose count & fall into a exhausted slumber.
Magical places and people. Smiles and Treats.
Just when you reach out to your pot of gold, dawn paws at you.
Pulls you back to this conscious state of being.
The cycle never breaks....
Leaving only one question ...with no answer ... Which is my real life? 

I’m not a dog lover!

People who have dogs always pet stray dogs, what about your dogs at home, you may carry an infection??? People pick up strays, I disagree, how can you separate a puppy from its mother? What will happen to the poor mother when she can’t find her baby??? People feed dogs on the street, great! Till the day you forget or get bored of it or shift towns and all these dogs are dependent on you??? People scoff when I say you don’t want to get a dog or any animal because you can’t take care of it, you work and have no support. What do I know, I’m not a dog lover, 6 months later they give the dog away.

From the time I was little the dogs have been an integral part of my life. They got the treats, the comfiest chair in the house, all the love and attention and I hated it. There was Gidget , a dachshund , who was older than me. I had 2 big sisters – my sister and Gidgy. What a dog was she! Smarter than most humans I met then or ever since!. She’d irritate the hell out of me because she’d corner you between her paws and lick you clean to some doggie level of hygiene while I’d squirm with being tickled between my toes! ‘Don’t grumble meenakshi!’

Then there was Kajal , Gidget’s daughter. I didn’t really know how because she’d hog all my mum’s attention. Poor thing got paralysis of the hind legs. I didn’t get a paddling pool but a special one was got for her to help her recover. Hrmphf! I’d help fill the water and dry her down. Maybe pick her up to help once in a while. Whatever!

My masi had Thakur – Doberman, the most gracious gentlemen ever, scared me shitless why I wonder considering Gidget and he were the best pals. A Doberman and a Dachshund! Then there was Saiba – a Rottweiler, she looked at me funny and I always thought she was out to bite my bum!! Yet when Saiba was a puppy as was Surma the next dachshund after Kajal went onto doggie heaven, Sai would take Surma’s entire face into her mouth and not a scratch! Surma was the one who bullied Saiba all the time! As I grew older Saiba would sprawl across me on my bed and I wouldn’t move a muscle but somehow we managed to both sleep peacefully when occasion demanded it.

There was Gemini- Gemma – the Beagle. But she deserves a story all of her own.

Then I got my first dog Phoebe – technically she was for me but as all dogs in my house, they are mum’s best friends! Mum took her first trip in 25 years; Phoebe was old and fell ill, she had to be operated. I was there with my sister. Slept three nights on the floor with her after it, she went in her sleep. Buried her next to Gemma, the love of her life. How I cursed her for not hanging on just one more day till mum came home to say goodbye. I AM NOT a dog lover.

This brings us to the here and now. Kismat and Karma. Beagle + Dachshund mix. Deagles as we call them. Brother and sister. Kismat sensitive to the core gives love unconditionally. Karma – jealous and stubborn, always craves attention. I am always sidelined. Now they have migrated into my bed. Keep me up all night with their ‘in and outs’ Kismat sleeps all over me, sometimes we fight coz his paws are in my face. But he is the most reliable man ever, always there to greet me when I come home no matter what the hour. Karma won’t move an inch, digs her heels in but she does have the most soulful eyes even when I growl at her!

I tolerate my dogs! Im not a dog lover… so don’t say I am one!

Lost dreams.. Or are they.....

When one day runs into the other, month into month, year into year, in the bad times one feels time crawls and in the good it flashes by. However every once in a while one looks back and tries to analyse what one has achieved out of the list one had as a child. For me blessed with an active imagination I wanted to do anything and everything. I'd hold concerts in my back yard to an imaginary audience. I was going to be a world class rockstar. I was going to be a ballet dancer. I was going to be a best seller author. As I grew older I was going to be anchor of a travel show, earn while I followed my no 1 passion in the world. And then life happened!

Clearly I didn’t achieve any of this. I succumbed to the insecurities and pressures of not feeling good enough or strong enough to chase my dreams. I found new goals that I made myself believe that they made me happy and the funny thing is they did. It’s funny how life tweaks your dreams and gives it to you in some way, even if its not how u imagined it. My real audience consider me a ‘rockstar’ , I sometimes write in my blog for my own sanity, I’ve travelled on my own despite the odds to more places than most and while not an anchor i've found my foot in the world of making television shows.

Guess u never do lose sight of your dreams but just tweak them as you go along. And even if you do the universe does bring them to life in some way.

Random Musings 2009

What surprises me about human beings is that we never learn.

There are so many sayings out there.. learnings .. teachings on what not to do, what to learn from, how to live, what to eat and yet nothing sinks in… I’m not even talking of the big picture, for global warming, plagues, diseases, war, hate cannot be tackled till we learn to live happily as an individual.
I know I will get into a lot of trouble for saying this, and it’s not like I don’t think of all these things. It’s not like I don’t care about the poor or the orphaned or the starving. I feel as bad as the next human being when people die or are hurt in natural disasters or in wars. I feel equal amount of angst at recession or cruelty to animals or any of the big things out there… but I also have now come to strongly feel that what is the point of caring for all that when u don’t know where to start in rectifying your own life.
Why is it that we never learn from our own examples? We sit and feel sorry for ourselves and our plight all the time. Be it a bad job or a good job with a bad pay package. Be it heartbreak or loss of loved ones. Be it kinks in our own personalities, we crib but how much do we do to just be happy.
Happiness is in your own hands is what everyone says. I disagree. How is happiness in your own hands when human beings as a species are social beings? No man is an island and thus if people in your life are not happy or people who surround you don’t make you happy how can u be happy? If you’re healthy but your parent/sibling / husband/child is not your also not healthy, even if it’s just a feeling of sickness in the pit of your stomach you are not healthy either. If your best friend is going through a bad job spell you will feel miserable at the working culture while you might still thank your stars for your job. If you love your job but you hear of the brilliant pay hikes being given to acquaintances even you will feel wretched at your own meager earnings. If you see a really fit person you would envy them while you reach for a packet of fries. And even if you know how to be all that you rarely ever would make the sustained effort over time to be all that. These of course are just influences of exterior factors in your life , then you have the whole gamut of your own insecurities, complexes and emotions to deal with and fight with every minute of every day.. Waking or sleeping.

You will keep suffering disappointment, heart break, stress and worries and no matter how hard u run, you can’t run far.. so how does one achieve the ever shifting goal of happiness?

2009

they say what doesnt break you makes u stronger.
they say you learn from your mistakes
they say every cloud has a silver lining
they say suck it up and move on
they say life is short make the most of it
they say time heals all wounds

i say.. who are they?

Circle of Life

Manic Mondays
Terrible Tuesdays
Wikkid Wednesdays
Thirsty Thursdays
Fidgety Fridays
Sexy Saturdays
Slippery Sundays

Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

Loyalty has no bounds! Since my boss’s son worked on the film Jhoom Barabar Jhoom directed by Shaad Ali (who has made lovely films like Saathiya and Bunti Aur Bubli), I felt I had to see it!

So the other day we went to Satyam, a new multiplex in town. (It's a branch of the original Satyam which is in Patel Nagar) Although everybody said Jhoom Barabar Jhoom was a bad film, we still decided to invest two precious hours of our lives on it.

My two friends and I reached Satyam, a spanking new and shining Cinema hall, at Nehru Place, Asia's biggest software bazaar, around 6. The show was to start at 6:20 pm. Now when you drive up to the cinema hall cars are parked on both sides of the road with not an inch of parking space available. For any Delhite this is a common sight outside any cinema hall.

With all the confusion and mayhem around this congested part of the city random thoughts of fights with parking attendants, Delhi traffic police, car getting towed and Challans came to my mind.

Then I saw a sign saying 7 storeys parking available. A brilliant discovery! Right next to the cinema hall too! The parking plaza is of international standards, clean with lifts that play instrumental music, the flute. Of course, it all came for a price - Rs 20 for 2 hours, and a minute longer meant paying Rs 20 more.

We rushed to the theatre, 1 ticket – 175 bucks. What! In Mumbai it’s the norm but no where in Delhi. The best halls give a standard ticket for 150/- . Oh well.. It’s for a good cause! We owed it to the boss’s son to see the first film he had worked on.

We finally entered the glitzy complex. There was Pizza Hut and McDonalds on the ground floor while the upper floors, which housed the auditoriums, were stylishly designed and elegantly-lit.

We entered the hall, it was well laid out but here are the downsides:

1. The popcorn is horrible and costs too much – think Chanakya cinema popcorn which has this stale, kept for 2 hours taste to it!
   
2. The Pepsi is in an insanely huge glass – 1 litre no less
   
3. The combo -Popcorn & Pepsi- cost 150 I think (I don’t remember the exact figure as I was flabbergasted! It took all 3 of us to finish the glass.)
   
4. The seats did not recline. Yes, you could have pushed them back but if you were short in height like me your feet wouldn't have touched the ground!
   
5. I had goose bumps because I was sooo cold. Air conditioning was too Arctic but that could be because there were only ten people in the audience!
   
6. The scariest moment came when my pregnant friend went to the loo in the dark. The staircase was almost a straight wall (as against a soft hill incline) and we were seated at the top!
   
   In all, the new multiplex was not bad but why pay such an obscenely high price when you can enjoy films in better ones at cheaper rates?
   
   And yes, the film was quite unbearable except for the one song that is topping the charts – Jhoom Barabar Jhoom! However this song lasts over ½ an hour towards the end.
   
   Well I guess I should have been prepared that I would not like the film. Songs like Ticket to Hollywood and Kiss of Love are in this film (they have a good tempo but meaningless words and no relevance in the film), the plot was weak from what I had heard so what else did i expect!
   

Its just another Manic Monday….

A boring day… a hopeful evening.. a romantic night….


Today was such a boring day with one inconsequential interview after the other. A ray of hope was going to see the new office. I took advantage of my innocent friends and planned a perfect evening. Dropped my car home bummed a ride off Manika and Supriya, I headed to Noida. I wanted to catch a film with my fiancé and go see furniture. We got to Noida, we saw furniture, we got to Spice.. the movie was at 8, I thought 8. 30, we reached at 8.45!

We obviously missed the film, for the second time might I add! The first time I was furious, this time was the second, Aditya just smiled. We tried a new place at the food court, yuck for the 10th time. We went to Chicane, had a drink and came out to the most amazing sight. The sky was wild with lighting, yet not a rain drop in sight. We started driving..the coolest breeze ever and then came the rain. Slowly at first till we got to the toll bridge. My hand was out the window as it came down harder. Stinging my skin, I smile wider. We roll the windows up, the rain pelts down, and the windscreen turns hazy, as we listen to some bollywood track. Poor scooterists stop under the flyover to get some shelter. I know my friend Mayank would say you need a photograph to show what you’re expressing through your words. Damn.. I don’t have a camera attached to my hip. Cars splash through puddles all around us. The fuel gauge is close to empty. As we near a petrol pump I sadistically wish the car will stall so I can get drenched in the rain… but as the rain slows down to a drizzle I think its good that didn’t happen as the upholstery will be ruined.. I wish the petrol pump was closer. I reach home. It’s been 25 minutes. I’m still thinking romantic rainy day thoughts when I switch the bathroom light on. Practical problems come crashing into my head as one lone cockroach scurries out of the drain. The rain starts to pelt down harder… I quickly get into bed. The ants will be out soon….

The Makings of a Blogger - Part 2!

Should I shouldn't I?

A question that attacks me before every decision i take. I had said earlier that Blogging was great because a editor-in -chief or a publisher did not judge what was worthy of printing and what was garbage.

So i have my own blog, brilliant but now i want feedback too. Why are human beings so restless? Why the need for others approval at each and every step of one's life?

So I mailed most of my friends the link to this site. I swear I held my breath when my finger hit the send button.

And then I wanted to stop the mail from going out....from people visiting my site and judging me!
Criticism!
Other people's contradictory views!
Friends thoughts!
Family feedback!

I hope it gets delivered! i hope they visit! i take a deep breath... bring it on!!!!

Monday Mornings

Try working for 6 years, 6 days a week with only a Sunday off. Think of three years before that where 6 days a week I would travel to North Campus in Stinky Blue line buses watching everyone suspiciously.

Then there is Sunday, where I sleep till 2:30 ( my mum is a gem!!! she understands completely- or rather she turns a blind eye to my reasons of slumber!) Then i wake up eat lunch...spend 4 hours waiting for my fiance and by then the day is basically over!!!

No personal work is ever completed in one go, no exciting outing ever takes place and exhaustion and depression levels remain the same.

Its an unending cycle of Monday Mornings... and i am just a little blue!!!

11th November 1997 - Suicide....

Jesus! oh shit! How is this supposed to make me a better person??? I'm 17 years old!! How long is this going to go on???? I'm not imagining this.. they can say exactly what they want but i know what i am going through is real. it's as real as any pain anyone has ever felt. i didn't deserve what i got. she always does this. shit!

Will i ever learn?

oh i hurt them well but then why do i sit and cry? my friends love me for who i am.. that's a laugh who am i?

I'm alright now. I am a survivor. i will survive...i wish i had the b**** to end it but i don't... i never have.

i have had worse stuff than this happen so why am i so torn up about this? shit!

I'm OK now.. calm ..composed...kind of...

is it worth it?

i have always glorified this by saying...' you may have won the battle but i will win the war'. i have lost so many battles, i think the war is over and i just wasn't looking. I've lost. i don't really really believe it but i have lost. a war doesn't last for more than 10 years at a stretch continuously does it?
ammunition runs out or spirit dies...

i have lost my spirit but i am sure it will come back to haunt me.

the never ending story - the soap opera - tears, bitterness, rage and love.
i have it all. i feel it all.

I've let myself down. I'm ashamed of myself. I've stooped lower than i ever thought possible. i could say i was driven but i 'm a better person than them.
i deserve better than them,
they deserve better than me.

fate, destiny,cruel but true, some things can't be changed.

grudges set if not washed away soon.
grudges weigh you down. I'm weighed down.
my spirit was my light in this dark tunnel
my light went out
there is no way out.
i will make one.
I'm a rock
a rock feels no pain
and an island never cries...

BOGUS BULLSHIT!!!!

The Woman

I wrote this ten years ago for a fashion show V.O. yet this is still how I see ….


Some say it’s a man’s world, I say women make the world go round and round!

I present to you the shades of a woman- firy hot and icy cold!

A woman is sacred.
She will provide you warmth when your cold,
a haven when your lost,
honesty when you lie,
profoundest advice when your immature.

But never awaken the lady’s wrath, for she will protect her loved ones in a blind frenzy!
She can terrorize you with her rage
erupt like a volcano,
sting like a wasp
She can also thrill you with her spirit and sensuality. She is passionate and vivacious, thrilling and romantic
She is fire!

Women are hot but also cold,
Icy like sleet on your face
Bitter, biting, hostile
She can be conceited
She can be frozen

Refreshing like the first summer rain,
managing to brighten one’s dullest days with the song of her laughter
and the smile on her face!

There is nothing softer than a young girl’s heart
It melts away the stern looks and harsh thoughts
She relaxes us with her sensibility and wisdom
She is water

Today girls are moving on,

They know how to be the earners of the house.
They can walk the walk and talk the talk!
She is conscious of her surroundings and is in harmony with nature.


She is sensitive
She is sporty
She is ready for anything or anyone
She is ready to take on the world
And fight for what she deserves
She is capable of taming wild animals of any sort

She is dynamite!

The Makings of a Blogger

Meandering thoughts...

Just as one rebelled without a cause to become part of the community.... i mean orkut, facebook, tagged etc., the same happened with me starting my own blog... and finally a friend of mine said do it! and she's not into Nike!!

Its hard figuring out all the different things in the world of Blogs.. its not just 3 steps... but i figure if my mum can learn to use a mobile phone i can learn to blog!

And i don't need anyone to like what or how i write to publish... i can say arggggggggggh with as many 'G's' or put as many explanation marks as i want!!!!!!

And if anyone says anything nasty... i don't have to print it .. because I'm the moderator!!!

hehehe

An ode to S.S.P.-

originally posted on the delhiwalla.blogspot.com....Picture courtesy Mayank Austen Soofi....



Ever since the sufi saint asked me to write this story I have written it in my head a million times, yet each time it turned out to be a story of my life, which is categorically not what he wants! However I have come to realize that if I want to pen down my thoughts about sujan singh park it will have to be the story of my life and there is no getting around it! Most people do not known of this place, some who are unaware will ask where this park in delhi is located and god forbid, you come across some who are aware they will call say to you ‘ oh you live in upmarket Sujan Singh Park!’

Sujan singh park, with its red brick exteriors, high ceilings and thick walls is probably one of the rare little havens left in this city, however as a child I wanted to live in GK or defence colony or any place where there were other kids around, the only child of my age in my block was a boy! A very shy boy at that!!! I live in g block the only block which stands purely on its own… the rest of this colony if you can call it that have buildings in a clear O with the ambassador hotel forming part of it. But G block is unique; it has its own character completely. Sir Sobha Singh started the legacy of Sujan singh park naming it after his own father and its now owned in bits and pieces by various grand children and great grand children and a few of us survive as tenants under the trust. The history of its being built is however of no interest to me. What is of interest to me is my life in sujan singh park or SSP as we fondly refer to it, which will soon come to an end.

Everyone loves their own house but it’s a rarity that everyone will love your house. I never understood why I was the envy of my friends till the day it dawned on me that my days here are about to end. I have a living room with a fire place, what use is that when delhi does not get so cold you would want a fire or if your upstairs neighbour does light a fire your house is filled with smoke because the chimneys are blocked. What use is a big garden with a badminton net strung across the trees when the dogs keep chasing the ‘ jungli’ cats and interrupting your game? What use is a bathroom the size of a small bedroom when your drains overflow, where cockroaches and centipedes constantly appear and your Royal Doutton pot from the 1950’s needs a plumber equally old to fix???

Well the garden with the lovely ashoka trees planted by my father is ideal for day dreaming, dancing to the songs in your head and soaking up the sun in the day, beautiful big bonfires at night or if you have a paranoid parent who wont let you cycle on the streets of delhi as a child , suffices as a racing track! The fireplace is ideal to hang Christmas cards on or to have a tiny toddler squeeze into to make the perfect picture and the bathroom is spacious enough that even without drawing the shower curtains you need not worry about falling flat on your face in puddles or not having anywhere to move like most bathrooms today.

Almost everyone I know has moved around lived in different houses but for me I have only had one home from the day I was born…SSP… I have lived different lives in each and every corner of this house. In the hallway , switching off the hall light when I come back late at night sneaking a quick kiss, the study which my mother decorated with wall paper for my sister which was first our play ground on hot summer afternoons playing teacher teacher or office office. Teacher teacher her favorite game.. we always fought, she invariably won… she became a teacher , I play office office… the ironies of life!!! Once she grew up and went out on dates, her room , known as the little room was where I would dream of boys and have my private chats on the phone usually listening to Richard marx dare I admit! As I enter my house the living-come-dining room with the huge cooler in the window. A cooler bigger than any I have seen in any home. A cooler I dreamt of on my long journeys home from college when it was 46 degrees and I knew my house would be a good 10 degrees cooler. The living room will comfortably seats about 15 people and needs a ladder if the curtains need to be taken down. My favorite armchair that I used to fight with my dogs for, as it was the best place to read for me or sleep for them. My mothers room where many a tear was shed. The ‘godaam’ or store room, which was my very first half room. Now I say half because my mum realigned her godrej cupboards, fixed a light and a bookshelf and made a space for me to have some privacy... but lets come away from there back out of my mum’s room and come into my room.

For the first 18 odd years of my life it was my dadi’s room where I’d go to watch Doordarshan on the only tv in the house, or play rummy or simply help her make balls of wool out of yarn.

Once she passed away I was given the room on the condition I would have to move out if guests came. Fair enough, but we always had guests!!! Slowly and steadily I made it my own, first with my posters of bon jovi, then with orange and pink curtains and finally with pictures of all the people I loved and who I hope loved me. I spent more and more time in this room and constantly fought for more space. It surprises me still when someone sees my room for the first time and says wow it soo big!!!

I spent the better part of 2006 out of delhi traveling and it was only during this stint out of my home I learnt to value its uniqueness. As my wedding day draws nearer I think of my life here, some dreams fulfilled and some shattered, sorrows and laughter. When people ask me what my biggest fear or apprehension is regarding my upcoming marriage I have only one….. leaving my haven…leaving my home…forever…

With you for you always

The wonders of delhi......

The mantra of delhi police.. the tag line for the last 10 odd years.. with you for u always… crap… I love delhi and have to defend it to many a traveler but after the experience I had I think foreigners and diplomats are safer in my city than me!!!

Here’s what happened:

My last birthday as a single independent lady in delhi,16th june 2007, I take my friends to Chungwa in M block market GK – 2 for a nice lunch. The food was ok the service horrendous, the waiters lazy… wait wait wait, I’m digressing… ok so I park my car, get a parking slip from the government authorized parking attendant ‘ 10 rupees for 3 hours’ , come out an hour later and there is a huge mob that’s collected in the market. Wondering what the commotion is about I notice a sticker on my car saying ‘look wrong parking’. It’s a challan for 600 rupees. 600 rupees for no fault of mine????

I decided then and there I was going to fight for my rights. Hale Bob Marley… The problem was who to fight with.
The traffic police said – I’m right get the parking attendant to pay.
The parking attendant said – wait let me talk to the cops and disappeared.
The Delhi police ‘with u for u always’, said- its beyond our jurisdiction speak to traffic police.
Traffic police said – get delhi police to get u your money for the challan from the parking attendant.
Delhi police said – we can’t do that.

So what do I do go find some goonda to beat the parking attendant up or should I have physically assaulted him and taken the money…Ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally someone after much fighting said go to Nehru place and lodge a complaint. Brilliant!
So I and my 2 musketeer friends go to Nehru place to fight for my rights.
We expect a government office, we find a dilapidated stinky 4 X 4 room, and I spew out my story.
The chap there too agrees I am not at fault the parking attendant will pay. He calls the traffic police agent deployed at the spot to bring the parking attendant. Half an hour later he arrives with the wrong guy. The chap tells me to go back to gk 2 and find the right parking attendant… its my birthday …. Hrmphf!!!!!!!

I walk out and the traffic police agent says he will not issue me a ticket as it was not my fault…. Why couldn’t he have just said that in the 1st place!!!

Anyhow I still have the evidence, so just incase he was lying and I get a ticket in 2 months because that’s how long it takes…I will re open the case… and if I am honest I will probably just pay the 600 bucks to save from having to go to court!!!


Lessons learnt:

Do not trust the parking guys unless you’re sure its authorized parking with no signs for no parking or tow away zone in atleast a 1KM radius of your car.
do not go to delhi police for any traffic related offence
do not go to delhi police for any help whatsoever… the traffic police is atleast a lot more civil if you speak nicely. Delhi police is rude!
drive as little as possible .

15th june a bike comes and bangs into my car, dents my bumper, and the man yells at me saying ‘ Madaam break marne se pehle… peeche toh dekh lo”, ‘Madaam before u jam on your breaks look behind u”… ya and go straight into the back of the car in front of me that breaked??????


Stand by what you believe in and see it through to the end. It’s a headache but it might just pay off.

Don’t think the traffic police agent actually thought I’d go to Nehru place and fight for my rights!!!

Delhi police cannot give you a ticket unless its at night when traffic police is off duty!!!